Poetic Cosmos of the Breath, 2007
today my best friend from college called me and we talked for the first time in a really long time. and it was really wonderful you know. i don’t think he knows how much of an impact he’s had on my life. i feel so alive. i once told him i am only truly myself around two people: my brother and him. i remember what it felt like to share that with him. i still remember his reaction. there are some people you aren’t the same without. it was perfect timing really, the way he chose to appear in my life just now. he reminds me of what’s simple, i love his energy. i’m so prone to getting stuck in my head, complicating things, trying to find some hidden message in everything that when i look at the color yellow, it’s no longer yellow, but a string of metaphors and meanings. i really missed him, i couldn’t stop telling him that on the phone. i really meant every time i said it. there are never enough words to capture emotion.
one of the main reasons i’d ever become a fiction writer is because i’ve always wanted to be a million different people/personalities but i don’t have the courage + it’s against my ethics to be anything other than myself. as an author you can be a hundred different people but still go back to yourself at the end of the day. writers are as much actresses as the ones on stage and behind a camera.
it’s amazing how much changes when we meet somebody who wants to untangle all the knots in our lives, because they’re saying, “i am here, and you…don’t have to do this alone. i am here to take care of you.” there is nothing more magical than meeting somebody who wants to see all of you, who wants to be there, who thinks you deserve happiness for breakfast and dessert and whenever you ask for it. i don’t think there’s too much sadness in the world - i think there’s not enough kindness to balance it out. we are only sensitive to negativity because there’s more of it, but the truth is that we are sensitive to everything. we are as susceptible to feeling happiness as we are sadness. they are equally contagious. the quantity is what makes the difference. imagine what the world would be like if we could put others’ feelings as important as ours. imagine what it would be like if we started an epidemic of passing on compliments from one stranger to the next. kindness is so important. caring about others is so important. i think it’s what keeps the world together. i think it’s what moves everything forward.
the other day i was walking from my car to my apartment with a few bags of groceries, leftover pho, a library book, my mug, and a dead phone. and i thought there was nothing that described my life more than this. everything is a metaphor. we think we live in this literal world, but it’s so vague. we can only assign so many definitions. there are so many blurry lines and gray areas. i like to live in those places.
i swear, i am always thinking about you, even when i’m not thinking about you.
i want my life to be one big whole story of how i can’t sleep because i’m too happy. i want to feel like that, because it’s such a true measure of existing in the moment. i want to be taken away by time.