“It’s difficult to understand the sum of a person’s life. Some people would tell you it’s measured by the ones left behind. Some believe it can be measured in faith. Some say by love. Other folks say life has no meaning at all. I believe that you measure yourself by the people who measured themselves by you.”—Carter Chambers - The Bucket List (via quote-book)
after a while, everything starts to look the same and old faces have new personalities
three months back home really gets to you. people you’ve seen, people you used to know and people you have no desire to see. people who you’re no longer closer.
i’ve spent this whole summer trying to avoid everything. and i just have to write a little bit. i’m ready to go back to college, where no one knows who i am and i don’t feel afraid..only sometimes.
"hi. i make up excuses to not hang out with you. and it’s not that i don’t love you or that i don’t care about you, but i can’t face the fact that we aren’t the same anymore. that’s always my problem, isn’t it? i’ll never be able to come to accepting terms with how times have changed and how we’ve grown apart. and the laughs i have with you are artificial, or how it’s not the same when we talk, or greet each other, or hug each other. i don’t feel that connection with you anymore. and i can’t accept the fact that it’s okay. that it’s okay that we’re not best friends anymore and that we are two completely different people living two separate lives. but mostly.. i’m upset at the whole situation but i try to be indifferent because i was never good enough. and it’s the truth and none of us want to admit it. that some humans just aren’t enough for us. they’re not interesting enough, they’re not intriguing or eccentric to you. and i’m one of them. because i don’t have the guts to tell you what i think about all the time. but if i did..it might scare you, and i would lose you. so it’s easier to talk about my day, or the weather, or what you’ve been up to, or how the town’s changed but the people have stayed the same. if i knew how to open up to you, you’d leave. so i keep you at a distance like you do to me. it’s easier to have you drift away than lose you completely. you’re fading away, but i was always invisible. i was never present to begin with."
and at any second, i’m going to pop. and i’m going to be gone. and i’ll just be nothing. and everything that makes me unique will be stripped from me. and then that’s it. in a blink of an eye, everything’s different.
because i’ll let myself down and i’ll let you down. because i’m a bad friend, and i won’t ever be reciprocate anything. i learned one time in my psychology class this term called “social exchange theory” about how when someone discloses something about themselves, you do the same and it builds the friendship and makes it stronger. and if you don’t..and only listen and don’t open yourself up, people get bored.
because no matter how long we know each other, i’ll find a way to leave you. i’ll find a way to make sure it doesn’t work. i’ll do anything it takes to find a new beginning.
i don’t want you to get to know me. but i want to get to know you. i want to know your secrets and why you are the way you are..and then i’ll leave you. not because of you. but because i can’t stand the idea of forever. i find you fascinating, i find all of you fascinating, and .. i’m sorry.
i don’t want you to get to know me because i am not a fan of the whole “self-disclosure” thing. what is it anyway? i don’t even know what it feels like anymore to talk about secrets. i hate the idea of figuring out people before they even have a chance to tell them, and suddenly people seem so bland to me. that there was this canvas of color …and suddenly it’s just blank. and all the mysterious aspects of someone are all the secrets that i’ve figured out. and there’s nothing in front of me, and i’m bored once again. and i have to find new adventure and new people and new everything.
and i feel as if people would feel the same way about me. that if they found out about me, i wouldn’t bring them closer to me. i wouldn’t have a best friend to lean on. or someone to trust. or someone to love. but someone who, instead, became bored of me.
i'm anxious, nervous, oversensitive, paranoid, and everything else in-between
i used to be really insecure as a kid. because i’d always cry about something..and no one else would. and i was always so ashamed of myself because i thought that i shouldn’t cry because no one else cries because of me.
and it’s taken me so many years to figure out that it’s okay. even though i struggle with it sometimes. things always seem easier when you look back on it and think, “you should’ve just done it” “no, it would’ve been okay” “stop caring so much” but then when the event actually happens to you..again..you completely forget what you were trying to tell yourself and repeat your actions.
but i’ve come to a good realization. because people never cry enough, and they should. because crying is healthy (unless you cry excessively..which i don’t think is healthy) because it shows a sign that you care for something, and that you’re physically showing it. and when i reflect back on this past year, i haven’t cried enough. i don’t cry as much as i used to. i’m not as paranoid as i used to be. or anxious, nervous, oversensitive, insecure.
i’ve kind of just brushed off every little neurotic thing about my personality and locked it away into a little box. and it’s kind of frustrating, because i know that part of me is there, but it just doesn’t want to be. i think the aspect of being around so many people in college and none of them you ever really know scares me. because i don’t want to mess up like i used to. and i don’t want to disappoint people and have them see this other side of me and they’re just..weirded out. like i’m not this normal girl living a regular life who secretly cries at night, or the walks i take are walks where i try to find myeslf. or the times i wander symbolize how much i want to escape. or that i get really paranoid in situations but i don’t say anything because..people don’t care.
and really, most people don’t. most people care on the surface, but they’ll want you to move on before you bring the rest of them down..and you just aren’t bring energetic vibes to the environment.
and then everything’s different. and then i want to start over. and then i’ll have nowhere to go. and i hate that feeling, where i have no where to run to, and i’m stuck. and i think that’s why i avoid being my neurotic self, and keep it tucked away where no one can see who i really am.
i don’t mean this in a negative way, at all. in my point of view, it’s kind of refreshing, and it’s something that makes all of us unique. i think people are able to change chemically, through drugs that affect their brain directly, and i think people are able to change through addictions and relationships and the different environments we are exposed to, but ultimately, while there are small changes in our lives and miniscule differences that happen to our personality throughout time, i still believe that the most important part of ourselves persist.
like how we make decisions. or why we do the things we do. or why some people are uncomfortable when it comes to hugs or why some people are insensitive, oversensitive, or something in between. why we think the way we do or why we are scared to love or why we can’t get enough of it. i don’t believe in the power to recreate yourself..because something of “you” will always remain there, and that one important thing that makes you..you, is unchangeable. but i do believe that people can learn new things, forgot old things, and learn to love the mysterious and unknown when they thought they weren’t capable of.
i’ve discovered that our character, mostly, stays the same. and i find security, comfort, and happiness in that. that if you were calm as a baby, you would still be that calm person now. or if you didn’t like being alone as a kid, you still don’t like being alone as an adult. and it’s nothing to be ashamed of..and i think most of our society is. we feel the need to change ourselves so we keep our lives interesting. and we want to change because we’re never satisfied with ourselves, because we feel that there is always going to be that little error in our personality, and we have a knack to change it. but the thing is..we’re human. and we’re prone to error. and if we were flawless, we wouldn’t be humans, we would be robots. we’re supposed to have quirks because..if you took them away, you wouldn’t be you anymore. and by trying to change yourself, you’re taking away the most essential part that makes you different from everyone else.
even if it seems like you change, that the things that used to make you upset doesn’t anymore, or you love differently, or maybe you love less or more, you’re still the same person. or if you drink and smoke, but you didn’t use to. just because a relationship or a friendship doesn’t work out..it doesn’t mean you’ve changed, or the other person has, either. environments and time change everything, and even though someone appears to have changed on the surface, deep down inside, they’re still the same person you knew years ago.
don’t get me wrong, i also think change is great. i just don’t think drastic change to completely recreate yourself is any healthy. i think trying to be happy and trying to live a better life is important. or trying new things..like sports and traveling and discovering what you never knew you could. or changing your appearance by dying your hair or getting a new wardrobe. or trying to be more outgoing or reserved, or whatever you prefer.
i guess i haven’t really made my point really well. i think we’re the same person as long as we live. and as much as you struggle to change who you are, you will always rewind back to the person you were born to be, which is great and it is both a luxury and a privilege..and we should just enjoy who we are, even if there are some aspects of our personality that others won’t like. as long as you like who you are, that’s all that matters.
“I know it feels like you have all these options and when you make a decision, you lose a world of possibilities. But the reality is, until you make a decision, you have nothing at all.”—Janet Fitch (via kari-shma) (via quote-book)