last one. i swear. i’m taking over space on your dash and i’m sorry and if you unfollow me, i completely understand.
i always feel so compelled..TO DO EVERYTHING. because if i don’t do everything, then i feel like this image is placed upon me by the society that i’m not a normal person (don’t get me wrong, people who aren’t normal fascinate me. i’m just scared to be one of them. i’m scared of the attention). or my family and friends have these expectations of me and put me on this pedastool and i can’t live up to it mentally but i do anyway on the surface. there’s never a convenient place for me to go..whether it’s in my mind or in the real world
there’s never some road i can veer off and escape because i’ll always end up back where i started and everything i do almost seems like a waste of time.
which is why i choose ignorance. which is shallow of me, i know. but i’m not ignorant of others, i’m just ignorant of myself. i think that justifies some of my ignorance, i think.
this whole feeling trapped by my own thoughts isn’t getting anywhere. but of course, it wouldn’t get anywhere in the first place because i’m stuck!
i spent all night in my bed contemplating this thought and i finally had to write about it. i don’t really have an answer. i just want to get my thoughts into words that i can see.
in many ways, yes, i am afraid. and in even more ways, no, i am not.
i’m afraid of being visibly alone. i’m afraid that people can see through my transparent shield and blatantly tell that i’m alone. and i hate this whole concept of “alone” anyway. i hate that i’m actually typing out this sad, self-absorbed and useless rant because i’m actually admitting to myself..that i’m alone. and i hate it because i don’t want to be alone. and i don’t want to have to convince myself otherwise when i know i am. and i hate having to sulk and having to even write this note in order to feel better about myself.
and i’m supposed to be happy. i am. but all humans have their flaws and all humans have their downfalls, and i just have many of those..and that’s why i’m a contradiction. i hate having to admit defeat, almost. because i hate being a hypocrite, and there’s nothing i can do about it, but that’s what comes with the package when you’re a contradiction..because you believe everything that shouldn’t be true, everything that is true, and everything that you want to be true, AND IT NEVER MAKES ANY SENSE.
back to the topic. i’m scared because..because somehow, i’m scared that someone will actually see through me. i’m almost waiting for the day that someone does, and i’m almost hoping it never comes. i’m scared that if someone sees through me, they’ll see how oversensitive i am, which is why i try to be insensitive. even though i’m not actually insensitive, it just seems easier that way. especially in college. especially in a world where no one cares and if you show any hint of affection..it almost seems inhumane. because people are surprised that you care and they don’t know what to do with themselves, and it almost seems as if we have regressed to “who-knows-what” without the capability to love and know what love is.
and in many other ways, i’m not scared of being alone. because it means i have to open up to people..or someone, really. i actually can’t imagine myself opening up to multiple people because that idea seems almost impossible and something that i’m not used to and i don’t want to be used to. i don’t even remember what it feels like to open up to people..to tell people what i truly feel and how the way i express myself are hidden secrets locked far far away.
but i’m also scared because..i’m scared that i’ll come to accepting terms with myself that i will be alone. and that i will settle for less..because i don’t want to try. because i don’t want to end up getting attached to someone and thus being left and being back where i started at square one: being alone.
it almost seems easier just to stay alone..forever, rather than risk the idea of opening up to someone because you never know what may happen. because people are never who they seem. and it’s not even other people. it’s not even them at all. it’s all me. i’ll find a way to make things difficult, and i’ll discover some secret backdoor to the alter the friendship so that it’s never the way it used to be.
and i hate it. i hate it so so so so so much and i wish i could do something about myself. i wish the people i felt closest to currently are the people who aren’t in my life anymore. i don’t even know what i’m doing with myself in all honesty. i’d like to blame it on the whole “college bubble” and forgetting about yourself in college and having to rediscover who you are, but this has just been going on for years.
i wish i didn’t have to sulk online and write this out and never read it again. and it’s terrible. because i thought if i wrote this down..i would have an answer. and i don’t. ultimately, i think i’m afraid of being alone. but because i’m afraid of being alone, i choose to be alone.