“I’m just having all these feelings and I don’t know what they mean. It’s like I was going along and it just snuck up on me. And I tried to ignore it, but then there’s these moments that you can’t. Maybe I was reading it wrong. I know it sounds sappy, but I thought, just for a minute, someone needed me.”—Lois Lane, Season 8: Bride, Smallville
my co-worker is one of the sweetest girls i've met.
"you have nothing to worry about. don’t worry about the gre yet, and don’t worry about getting into graduate school and what your concentration is going to be. i barely changed my major spring quarter of sophomore year. what i learned most from my sisters was that you have to give time to yourself. and that your time as an undergrad is the time to have fun. don’t worry about the future so much. whatever you want to do, you’ll know. and whatever you’re going to do, you’re going to end up there. you’re always going to end up somewhere that makes you happy."
i’ve spent the past few days with my mind circled around academics and it will continue to be like this for the next few days, and i just need a break. i like to write number notes but this will only be for two.
1. “love you lots” “if you need me, i’m here” “you can always talk to me” i’ve heard these words so many times. i’ve heard people tell me they love me countless times, and every time, every time, the story ends in tears slowly falling from my face. i’ve forgiven you…..so much, so much. and i know you have good intentions, and i’m hoping there won’t be another falling out. and honestly, you are the only person i remotely talk to about anything. but it’s more based on the fact that you’re further away, it’s more that i don’t have to face you if anything were to go wrong. it’s more of the matter that you wouldn’t have to deal with my shit in real life because if you actually lived here, i could see myself crying in front of you constantly, and you wouldn’t want to deal with that, i wouldn’t want you to deal with that. i feel safe talking to you because i don’t feel anything. i miss when we were ignorant and naive. i miss us. i miss you so so much.
2. it’s nice to see that you haven’t changed. it’s nice to see that you’re still an asshole, but it’s refreshing to know that i was special enough to be that possible change in your life. i think i kept you around because i wanted you so badly to love me, and once you did, i had realized the brighter picture, the real picture of who you are. i wanted your acceptance and i wanted your love because you were always a competition to die for. i hope you look back on this and realize how shitty you treated me. i hope you realize those nights i cried and you just sat there waiting for me to stop because you found it bothersome. because there are more things to life than having the time of your life and having a high status with a stable job and being beautiful. because i am oversensitive, and i am overanalytic, and i don’t need you to reinforce my insecurities. i’ve let you go because you never truly loved me, and maybe you’ll never know what it’s like. i miss you sometimes, i miss you the most when it’s 2am and my phone remains blank. i miss you the most when i think of who i thought you were, not who you actually are. and it’ll always take me back to a time when i tried, when i tried, and when i loved, really loved.
woke up this morning with a faint feeling of something lost.
i had set my alarm almost three hours before work so i could work on a project to compensate for going to bed earlier last night. i have already spent the last hour trying to decipher this feeling, wondering if it materialized through my dreams and had seeped into this morning’s groggy thoughts. i always find myself back to this place.
"i wish there was a way for me to disconnect from my brain. i can drink myself to oblivion and still remember everything. i can never truly escape. i see my friends black out and i’ve always wanted to. it seems so nice. to just forget. to not have to worry. to be free from yourself. when i used to escape from my thoughts, i used to sleep. but i haven’t been sleeping lately, because i’ve been having nightmares. and i’d much rather deal with the reality of things than some alternate world where everything collapses. i mean, i used to have nightmares but it’s been so frequent lately. and it’s not that anything is particularly wrong, i just don’t think i’m meant to be happy."
it was 5am in tennessee and it was still early in california.
her: “growing up when things got shaky, i always had you to talk to. now that i’m here, when things get scary and bad, i have no one to spill my soul to. it’s too scary to confess to anyone else. i just need so badly to say everything that’s going wrong but i can’t. and that’s affecting you as well, not having the physical consolation of a real friend.” me: “i’ve been just been..depressed sporadically. and i don’t think it’s anything serious, but there’s no cause. i’m at the point where i get depressed and i lock myself in my room for a few hours.” "right. i don’t want to talk to anyone about serious things. i’ve been randomly lonely and depressed too. what can people like us do?" "i don’t know. i have the worst way to cope with situations like these. all i ever do is overanalyze and overthink and it’s getting to me again. today i started crying because i miss having the security of a best friend." "what else makes you cry?" "i don’t know. so many things. i just get depressed. everything gets to me and i wish i were normal. i sincerely want to just scream and run away like the old days. other days it’s not so bad and i’m happy. i don’t know what to do with myself. i’m a happy person but i’m depressed as fuck. it’s as if all of it catches up to me when i’m alone because i wouldn’t be able to stand for people to see me this way."
we stood in the middle of the main road waiting for cars to appear, just to get the rush. and we would stand there until the last second with our arms stretched out wide. we stole a little powerade and some chips and that was our survival. we didn’t have time for petty things. we didn’t even have time to think twice. we would sit near the pond smoking a joint, drinking some leftover alcohol, and we were so fucked up. we were so fucked up.
we had no time for each other, because we didn’t even have time for ourselves. we were so powerful once upon a time. we were so reckless. spending days in the cold outside because even the warmth of a cozy house couldn’t fix any of us. and the sharp wind pressing against our faces reminded us of the only pain we could feel. and we were all so broken. we were all so broken.
screaming, running around, hiding behind trucks, stealing alcohol from parents, and none of us ever had the need to talk. none of us had time to care for each other. it was our only time to live.
it was 2005 and everything was perfect. it was 2005 and we were too busy forgetting ourselves. it was 2005 and there was no one stopping us.
i always dreamt of living on the top floor of a small apartment that was a little too crowded with books and clothes, and while the world outside was spinning, i was drinking a cup of tea and reading some memoirs.
i’ve spent the past two days huddled in my room ruminating about a past life. and last night i dreamt about love. and today all i want to do is sing and dance.
and for a while i thought about just going to sleep.
my friend used to ask me, “how do you cope when you don’t want to deal with anything?”
and i told her, “it depends. if you wake up and everything is already terrible, there is no way to cope. if life starts falling apart during the middle of the day, talk to a friend. just enough to get it off your mind, like a temporary exit. if it’s at night, go to sleep. just go to sleep. it’ll be easier in the morning.”
"i want to think again of dangerous and noble things. i want to be light and frolicsome. i want to be improbable, beautiful, and afraid of nothing as though i had wings." -mary oliver
i’ve spent hours in my room, some of which were simply sitting on my bed while fighting emotions, other hours were spent on the book that i’m reading. i’ve been on the verge of tears all night simply because prozac nation unravels much of who i used to be. her words are captivating, and she is able to explain emotions and thoughts that i could never imagine forming myself. and i had to stop reading in order to prevent myself from ruminating.
and for a while my mind was just..blank. and it was the first time in a while i had realized there were not any conscious thoughts running through my mind, and then everything started back again.
it infiltrated everything, everything was a problem, everything made her cry - school, homework, boyfriends, the future, the lack of future, the uncertainty of future, fear of future, fear in general - but it was so hard to say exactly what the problem was in the first place.” - Melanie Thernstorm
and i can’t help but wonder from time to time if things would have turned out differently if i had told people what was really going through my head and what had happened in the years before. i wonder if i would be a different person, if i wouldn’t be confined in these tangling thoughts that nearly don’t have any meaning anymore. if i would be open and let people see who i really am. it’s funny, what most people misunderstand about depression is that they think that all these maladaptive thoughts have to originate from somewhere, that depression can be pinpointed to this exact day where everything started falling apart. but it doesn’t always follow a terrible, irreversible catastrophe. most times, it’s the little things. it’s just one day things started changing, and you wonder where you’d gone wrong. you wonder how you ended up here without a warning that this was all going to be so terrible. that this was all going to be the battle of your lifetime.
i had spent years of my life trying to bury every single flaw that i possessed that soon they started to show through the cracks. and the lies that i created to hide behind started to have holes, and because i didn’t want to speak up, i glanced and and looked away in return. and when you ignore people’s requests, when you reject their compassion, you learn that you will lose everyone. there was so much to hide, there was always so much to be revealed, but there was always so little talking. i had soon noticed that people begin to learn of my downfall without any words needed to be spoken, rather, it was the words that remained silent that shined through. the way people talked to me was so carefully thought out. i was a girl with so much potential, but i had turned into living proof of a disaster. the stares felt like shards in my chest, but i didn’t care. i didn’t care at all. because if i couldn’t even take care of myself, the least of my problems would be you. and everyone knew, everyone knew they had to be gentle with me, because at any moment i would collapse, and that would be the end of everything. i was fragile, and i was broken, and i didn’t need anyone to question the depth of severity i felt.
i don’t think depression ever leaves. i don’t think depression ever has a beginning or an ending - it’s just there. and it exists with the rest of you, like the beating of your heart. and some people are lucky than others, some people have the luxury of becoming a better person from depression, and some people never learn what it means, and some people will never be able to escape the wrath of depression. ..but it lessens. it gets better. but it’s always going to be there.
you can have everything and yet feel so empty.
i forgot how much prozac nation by elizabeth wurtzel related to me.
“But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair.”—Haruki Murakami (via make-me-smile)
“Maybe as time gets worse we get better. Our pain makes us feel other people’s too; our fear lets us practice valor; we are tense, and tender as well. And among the things we can no longer afford are things we never really wanted anyway…”—Nancy Gibbs (via girlmeets-world)
partially because i’m trying to learn what it means to keep a relationship without getting too close. i have spent years with friends who have fucked me over, and i have forgiven all of them for all the betrayal they have caused me. i don’t have real friends back home because i am not close to any of them. i don’t know what it means to have a best friend since i was a teenager. i look around, and everyone has these friends. and i don’t. i don’t have these friends. i only have the memories. visiting home is just a constant reminder of everything that has failed in my life. i used to have good intentions, but i’m learning to be on the same playing field as everyone else. and this is the new beginning that i can’t fuck up. because once i do, it’s all over. you have to know that i call everyone my best friend for the simple matter that i lack a best friend, and that if i distribute my love across many people opposed to dedicating my undying love to a potential best friend, it keeps me safe. it means i don’t have to give my all.
i don’t quite feel comfortable yet. when i saw all the tears in your eyes when i told you what you said to me, you had realized why i was so angry at you. i have never been this angry since october 3rd, 2009, when my ex-best friend had fucked me over. you had realized that it wasn’t just the drunk emotions, because i had cried when you tried to talk to me in the morning. i was so hurt, and i’ll still need time to recover. and i’m not sure where your thoughts came from, but i still don’t quite believe that those thoughts came from nowhere. the next day, you told me i was the strongest person you know for the amount of shit i keep in, while you voice out your problems to everyone. it’s always ironic, we envy completely two different traits. i have lived a whole life in a bubble, keeping everything in, never letting anyone talk to me, never giving anyone a chance to understand, because i felt bothersome. i felt that if i had let someone into my world, they wouldn’t view it as a plea for help, but a cry for attention. and i spent years hiding so much of me.
i walked around school crying. i can still remember more days were spent in depression and tears. i walked away from people more than i opened up to them. and you strutted your past as if it was nothing. and i wish i could be as strong as you. i wish i could tell people as easily as you do. and you’re right. no one knows anything about me. i’m just this girl who laughs and makes jokes and loves cute things and likes hugs.
and for you to say all those words, you can’t understand how they felt. even though i spit out the words you said to me, you will not understand the magnitude i felt at the time. for someone to say that they understand, for someone that was to be there to listen, i never expected you to throw such cruel, cruel words in my face as if i were made of a heart of stone. i felt as if my breath was being restrained by your words that have wrapped their way around my throat… and.. and that the one person whom i thought would understand all the pain that has accumulated over the years, has turned out to be everything i thought she was not. i never want to hate you, but i could..because i am so capable of destruction and i could ruin everything at my fingertips if i really wanted to. i’ve learned over the years that i’m really good with that. i’m a little cautious now. but you’re still my friend. and this is better than any of the other relationships that have been broken and mended.
there is hope for us. there is a lot of hope for us.
"i know that friends you’ve had in the past have hurt you when you thought they were your true friends. and i didn’t want to be another one. i was so scared you wouldn’t forgive me for what i did. i wouldn’t forgive myself if i were in your position because of all the shitty things i said."
and i’m fidgeting and shuffling my feet to find something that looks familiar. and i’m running away, and i’ll always be running away. i’ll always be pushing people away from me. and i’m crying and i’m yelling and i’ve lost myself. or maybe this is who i am. i used to wander the sidewalks, filing my thoughts one by one, looking for some serenity. but instead of finding some luck, i was left with a disaster that i’ve encountered so many times before. i had let anger and depression absorb me for so long that i can’t imagine what life is like without it. i can’t imagine moving on from who i used to be. this separation i feel from myself has been here for a while, but some days it haunts me more than others. this skin that i walk in doesn’t feel like my own. the eyes that i see through have become blurry throughout the years, i’ve lost sight of what is truly important. my heart beats a little slower, and i touch a little less. but i’ve still got my ears, and sometimes i hear beautiful things. and sometimes i hear terrible things. but most of the time, i listen to all the sounds that try to keep themselves from rising to the surface. i used to feel that i was walking on broken glass and that i’d never recover from all this depression that took over me. but now it feels like these jaded shards are embedded into my skin, and i have learned to become numb to these sharping pains. and i don’t have the effort to get rid of it, so i carry it with me, hoping that one day i’ll wake up, and all of this will be over. and all i want to do is sleep. the nightmares that recur almost seem more ideal than these racing thoughts. and it’ll be a few days before i can return to my normal state of mind. and it’ll be another few days when i feel okay again. and then we’ll repeat this process, again and again..again and again..
and i’ve got all the wrong intentions. all of these jokes are soon going to come to an end and the truth will be revealed. and it’s only a matter of time before we crack. and when i do, don’t save me.
it may seem selfish. it may seem arrogant. and it is. all of it is. all of everything i do is to protect myself. all of everything i do is to keep myself safe. every footstep i take manifests from caution and anxiety. and i’ll move on from this, because i’ve been through this before. and this is just another test. this is just another test that i have to pass. and i will move forward, looking for a time when everything was pure.
i’ve learned that it’s easier to not be close to people, because it saves the time and heartbreak. all these so-called best friends that have been in my life have been pushed away. and lucky enough, we hadn’t reached that yet. and we never will. no, we never will.
once upon a time, these words had more meaning than they did now. we could’ve been something. and now i have to push you into the category with the rest of the people who have done the same as you. but hey, don’t worry. you weren’t as bad as them.
life doesn’t wait for anybody, and i don’t have the time and patience to reexamine this mirage. all i’ve ever done is care about you, and help you, and talk to you, and mostly, listen. i saw through you when no one else did. i can see when you’re lying through your words. i know when you’re on the verge of tears. and i have done nothing but offer you compassion and an overdose of hugs.
and i’m going to run back to another time, where the world was black and white and my thoughts weren’t quite so ambiguous and my emotions weren’t quite so fragile. but i’d only be lying to myself, because i’ve never lived a life like that.
things are always so much easier in the morning. things are always so crystal clear.
"but you care about people, and you know you do. and you love them. and you show them you care unlike most people. and you are so great, you are so fucking great. and you’re crying right now because she hurt you. and once she fucked up, everything changed for you. and you’re crying because you do have feelings. because you think, and you have more emotions than most people do. people care about you, they really do. i care about you."
and if i find my way back from this, things will never be the same. and it turns out, you didn’t know me at all. and i haven’t been fooling anyone but myself. i just wanted someone for once. and all of this, all of whatever is going to happen, from this point on, will be out of fear. i’ve been blinded but what i thought i was real. there are no excuses allowed here. there are so many tears and none of them are enough to explain how i feel.