February 2011
3 tags
“I’m just having all these feelings and I don’t know what they mean....”
– Lois Lane, Season 8: Bride, Smallville
9 tags
1 tag
9 tags
January 2011
i just want to sleep for a while.
“I would rather be poor in a cottage full of books than a king without the desire...”
– Thomas Babington Macaulay (via bookoasis)
1 tag
my co-worker is one of the sweetest girls i've...
“you have nothing to worry about. don’t worry about the gre yet, and don’t worry about getting into graduate school and what your concentration is going to be. i barely changed my major spring quarter of sophomore year. what i learned most from my sisters was that you have to give time to yourself. and that your time as an undergrad is the time to have fun. don’t worry...
3 tags
me: “i just feel bothersome. i even feel bothersome right now talking to you. it’s just easier for me to believe that the only person i have is myself.”
her: “ME TOO. i feel like if i vent or express my problem, i’ll seem like i need to be fixed. but no, i love when you talk to me about what’s going on. you’re the closest to understanding.”
me:...
2 tags
i've never really had anyone.
i’ve spent the past few days with my mind circled around academics and it will continue to be like this for the next few days, and i just need a break. i like to write number notes but this will only be for two.
1. “love you lots” “if you need me, i’m here” “you can always talk to me” i’ve heard these words so many times. i’ve heard...
6 tags
2 tags
woke up this morning with a faint feeling of...
i had set my alarm almost three hours before work so i could work on a project to compensate for going to bed earlier last night. i have already spent the last hour trying to decipher this feeling, wondering if it materialized through my dreams and had seeped into this morning’s groggy thoughts. i always find myself back to this place.
10 tags
2 tags
“i wish there was a way for me to disconnect from my brain. i can drink myself to oblivion and still remember everything. i can never truly escape. i see my friends black out and i’ve always wanted to. it seems so nice. to just forget. to not have to worry. to be free from yourself. when i used to escape from my thoughts, i used to sleep. but i haven’t been sleeping lately,...
3 tags
it was 5am in tennessee and it was still early in...
her: “growing up when things got shaky, i always had you to talk to. now that i’m here, when things get scary and bad, i have no one to spill my soul to. it’s too scary to confess to anyone else. i just need so badly to say everything that’s going wrong but i can’t. and that’s affecting you as well, not having the physical consolation of a real friend.”...
2 tags
it was 2005 and we had no room for thinking.
we stood in the middle of the main road waiting for cars to appear, just to get the rush. and we would stand there until the last second with our arms stretched out wide. we stole a little powerade and some chips and that was our survival. we didn’t have time for petty things. we didn’t even have time to think twice. we would sit near the pond smoking a joint, drinking some leftover...
9 tags
“I think perfection is ugly. Somewhere in the things humans make, I want to see...”
– (via photographic-energy)
3 tags
i used to say, “i always feel so stupid after crying” and one of my old best friends used to say, “i don’t. i always feel like i’ve let go of all the sad emotions and then i’m just happy”
2 tags
i always dreamt of living on the top floor of a...
i’ve spent the past two days huddled in my room ruminating about a past life. and last night i dreamt about love. and today all i want to do is sing and dance.
“I don’t see anything wrong with being alone, it feels great to me.”
– Andy Warhol (via alexismarie)
3 tags
and for a while i thought about just going to...
my friend used to ask me, “how do you cope when you don’t want to deal with anything?”
and i told her, “it depends. if you wake up and everything is already terrible, there is no way to cope. if life starts falling apart during the middle of the day, talk to a friend. just enough to get it off your mind, like a temporary exit. if it’s at night, go to sleep. just go...
2 tags
"i want to think again of dangerous and noble...
i’ve spent hours in my room, some of which were simply sitting on my bed while fighting emotions, other hours were spent on the book that i’m reading. i’ve been on the verge of tears all night simply because prozac nation unravels much of who i used to be. her words are captivating, and she is able to explain emotions and thoughts that i could never imagine forming myself. and i...
2 tags
and when i can't find other things to warm my...
2 tags
"it was like sawdust, the unhappiness:
it infiltrated everything, everything was a problem, everything made her cry - school, homework, boyfriends, the future, the lack of future, the uncertainty of future, fear of future, fear in general - but it was so hard to say exactly what the problem was in the first place.” - Melanie Thernstorm
and i can’t help but wonder from time to time if things would have turned out...
“But I didn’t understand then. That I could hurt somebody so badly she would...”
– Haruki Murakami (via make-me-smile)
2 tags
2 tags
“Maybe as time gets worse we get better. Our pain makes us feel other people’s...”
– Nancy Gibbs (via girlmeets-world)
1 tag
8 tags
3 tags
nightmares, nightmares, nightmares.
blissful dreams slowly transforming into nightmares. the slow deterioration of your mind as it unfolds in your unconscious.
nightmares repeating themselves to the point of psychosis. waking up startled, confused, and a little frightened.
i haven’t had such an awful nightmare in a while.
2 tags
i have learned to forgive and to mostly let it go
partially because i’m trying to learn what it means to keep a relationship without getting too close. i have spent years with friends who have fucked me over, and i have forgiven all of them for all the betrayal they have caused me. i don’t have real friends back home because i am not close to any of them. i don’t know what it means to have a best friend since i was a teenager. i...
2 tags
“i know that friends you’ve had in the past have hurt you when you thought they were your true friends. and i didn’t want to be another one. i was so scared you wouldn’t forgive me for what i did. i wouldn’t forgive myself if i were in your position because of all the shitty things i said.”
2 tags
this clouded judgment has had its better days.
and i’m fidgeting and shuffling my feet to find something that looks familiar. and i’m running away, and i’ll always be running away. i’ll always be pushing people away from me. and i’m crying and i’m yelling and i’ve lost myself. or maybe this is who i am. i used to wander the sidewalks, filing my thoughts one by one, looking for some serenity. but...
1 tag
“everything is going to be okay in your apartment. all of you are going to make up..and make out.” - rachel
ahah <3
2 tags
and this wall that i've built,
it may seem selfish. it may seem arrogant. and it is. all of it is. all of everything i do is to protect myself. all of everything i do is to keep myself safe. every footstep i take manifests from caution and anxiety. and i’ll move on from this, because i’ve been through this before. and this is just another test. this is just another test that i have to pass. and i will move forward,...
1 tag
“but you care about people, and you know you do. and you love them. and you show them you care unlike most people. and you are so great, you are so fucking great. and you’re crying right now because she hurt you. and once she fucked up, everything changed for you. and you’re crying because you do have feelings. because you think, and you have more emotions than most people do....
2 tags
"you can forgive, but you can never forget"
and if i find my way back from this, things will never be the same. and it turns out, you didn’t know me at all. and i haven’t been fooling anyone but myself. i just wanted someone for once. and all of this, all of whatever is going to happen, from this point on, will be out of fear. i’ve been blinded but what i thought i was real. there are no excuses allowed here. there are so...
1 tag
1 tag
