my friend is a drop out as of age 15 and she used to incessantly get in trouble with the police. she is currently living in denver in her own house with her boyfriend and roommates. she is currently working at a montesorri preschool as a teacher to earn enough money to go to vet school.
this is just proof that you don’t need to be on a certain path to get to where you want to be, and that at any point in your life, you can turn it around and do whatever you want with it. sometimes we need to lose ourselves in order to gain ourselves. sometimes we just need to be a little lost because it helps put things in perspective.
it’s crazy to not be able to be next to the people you grew up with, because in a second, they grow up and turn out to be what they always wanted to be and you wonder where the time went.
“I often feel like I want to think something but I can’t find the language that coincides with the thoughts, so it remains felt, not thought. Sometimes I feel like I’m thinking in Swedish without knowing Swedish.”—Peter Cameron (via misswallflower)
I was never anything special, but this is the life that I’m meant to have, this is the life that I will create, and redefine as much as I want. I suppose you could say I’ve always had a best friend, but I’ve never felt close to anyone. I’ve never really had anyone that I could trust. And it makes me such a shitty friend..to lie, over and over again about how I trusted these people, but I knew, something wasn’t right about any of us. So many tears have been shed that I find it odd that there aren’t tissues buried deep beneath my backpack anymore, or make-up stains on my sleeves and blankets. I’m not a charming person, I’m not special. I’m made up of broken ties and forgotten love and stained tears. Every night I go to sleep with different thoughts, and every morning I wake up with the subtle, disappearing feelings from my dreams. And some days, I don’t sleep at all. Everyday, I wake up alone, travel alone, and go to sleep alone. And, some days I’m bothered by it, and some days I’m not. I try to not let these things get to me too much.
Everything I do, every thought that wanders into my mind, every person I pass, every place I’ve ever been is a perfect memory in time reminding me my life that has been nothing but normal.
And yes, I’ve lived. I’ve lived greatly, but there also have been days where I didn’t live. And there are moments I wish I could forget, and other flashbacks that I wish would race in my mind forever, and I wish I could feel those corresponding feelings all the time. I wish I could carry all these feelings with me in a little box, and whenever I was feeling lonely, I could go back to this box, and relive all these feelings and remember everything I used to love.
I’ve lived so much. And this is everything I need.
INFJs grow up feeling “different” from their peers. The more pronounced their Introversion and Intuition, the more estranged they are likely to feel. Young INFJs also feel misunderstood by their elders, who can be quick to ignore or dismiss their precocious insights and observations. If given unsympathetic circumstances, INFJs may come to feel isolated or rejected rather early in life.
i try to find words so that all of this makes sense. i’m trying to find the girl inside me that says, “i love you, too” without any hesitation and doubt. i’m trying to find the girl inside me that is fearless.
i’ve never understood why my love is important to others. you could find so much better.
INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people — a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious “soul mates.” While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent “givers.” As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood — particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.
i miss being that cute little girl who brought and spread happiness and positivity wherever she went. i miss changing the world in miniscule ways. i miss running up to people and hugging them, just because. i miss jumping and throwing my legs and arms around like a gangly monkey. dear junior/senior year self, i’ma bring you back, somehow. :) i just want to go to playgrounds and color with crayons and hug people for minutes and play the piano. i just want to know that there are boys out there that i can go to the movies and slurp slushies with. a boy who will poke fun at me but mean it from the bottom of his heart that he truly just loves me. a boy who will play hide and seek with me and then force me to push him on the swing set with my short, weak arms. a boy who will hang out with me around his friends and give me piggyback rides and call me at 3am and leave me a voicemail about how he was upset that we didn’t talk today. i just want to know that there is a best friend who would always love me as much as i love them and talk to me on the phone the minute we leave each other. i miss sitting on your bed and talking and laughing until my stomach hurt and then falling asleep together and waking up and making sandwiches together. i miss how we would laugh so much that i’d cry. there is something peculiar about living to the point of tears with a best friend. i just want both of these people to be back in my life like the old times, because at one point, i had everything i needed. i miss that girl who was so independently happy, and even though i was insecure and broken underneath, it never really rose to the surface.
Talking to you makes me happy. I don’t think you will ever understand it when I tell you that I love talking to you because you make me feel light and carefree, as if I am problem-free and always have been. I just want to laugh with you until my stomach hurts. I have always loved you more than the world. I have always wanted us to just be best friends until the world collapses and then laugh about how we survived it. When I read our old conversations, a rush of happiness just ran through me, and I couldn’t help but be happily nostalgic. You will always be my base. I miss talking to you on the phone everyday. I miss that childhood complex I had with you. I miss conquering the world one day at a time with you. I think you might be the only person I believe who loves and cares me, at least sometimes.
“I had one dream where I was bullied extremely in school and tortured at home and so I did so many drugs that made me emotionless because there was no where to escape to and so all the drugs made it so that I was literally numb to everything and I would just laugh at myself. And I woke up really sad not for myself in the dream but because that is someones reality out there :( And it made me realize that sometimes when life is out of our control, we instinctively find a safety net that makes us feel some sense of comfort. But what about the people who absolutely do not have a place to retreat? They are never safe anywhere and are unable to ever feel safe and never have a friend to lean on. The whole world is against them. Im like sitting in my bed crying because there are people out there who might not ever know love. I think I need to be a better person. I had another dream I was surrounded by the prettiest girls. They were in heels and talked about how they needed to lose 2 pounds. I initially hated it. But then I realized what if they’re just scared? More scared than us to talk about feelings? And that the way they talk represents not an image of themselves, but an image they hide? I just want everyone in the world to be themselves, and to be happy, and both of those are rare for everyone. I feel like reality just slapped me in the face and I just wanted to hug the earth in my arms and spread my warmth to everyone in the world and know that someone you don’t even know, and probably will never meet, cares about you.”—Me
“Even if you are mad at me or don’t want to talk to me, I will still be there for you. I won’t let you leave. I will wait and force you to talk to me eventually. I love you. I will always love you. I will always try to understand you. I like that you’re complicated.”—Kelsey