our conversation from back in march:
“do you know when you’re coming back yet…”
“in two weeks remember! hahaha lol”
i remember when you were in taiwan and it was the longest wait of my life. and then this happened. and i just hope you’re coming back. i really really really hope you do.
i looked back on our old facebook conversations and i am falling back to the way you used to like me, the way you always asked me questions, the way you always told me stories, the way you always laughed.
my love, come back. i don’t care what you think. i don’t care what they say. just come back.
please boys, you need to get off my dick. no i know it looks beautiful but you can’t touch. stop. get away. *slaps hand*
maya angelou once said they won’t remember what you did what you said but they’ll remember how you made them feel. yo maya i fit all three
don’t we all lie to ourselves sometimes? don’t we all try to rationalize something? anything? everything? aren’t we all just trying to protect ourselves, to make this so-called life a little easier, a little lighter? we tell ourselves we’re happy even though our body is stressed. we plant a smile on our face and think that nobody can read through the cracks. some can’t, most can, but you keep that smile glued onto your face because it’s what’s convincing you. don’t we all try to justify what we do sometimes so that we may feel like a good person, so that we don’t feel guilty? don’t we all want love but we tell ourselves we don’t? but then we’re drunk and we’re leaning to the closest body next to us. don’t we say “i don’t like you” but there is a part of us that both doesn’t like them but is let down by expectations? aren’t we a little bit of everything - of broken shards, of lies, of justifications, but also of beauty, of laughter, of impeccable serenity? i think that’s beautiful. the aspect of how we approach anything, how we review our actions and decipher our intentions. when we distance from someone, is it because we are used to distance, or do we wince when we distance ourselves? isn’t it a little bit of both? distance is also beautiful. so are reunions.
i think we’re all a little bit of everything. we can’t say we are one aspect without being its polar opposite as well, because ultimately, everything is its opposite. i am as much happy as i am sad. just because you see me happier more than than sad, that doesn’t define me as a happy person. i am equally as detached as i am attached. i both hold on and let go. i am both easygoing and sassy, both loud and quiet. i am both at once intelligent and the most naive person i know.
we are our opposites.
Anna Karina in Le Petit Soldat
does anyone ever wake up and think, “OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY! I AM SO BLESSED TO BE ALIVE! MMM WHAT A GREAT NIGHT OF SLEEP!” anyone? no? me neither.
do you ever look at your list of errands and you feel empowered by it, like it just brings out all this enthusiasm in you? no, me neither.
i look at this list and i’m like “damn, i need to go to the mechanic”
“fuck, i need to respond to that one email”
“i need to reschedule that one appointment that i canceled weeks ago”
“i should see that friend that i canceled on three times”
“no food in the fridge? need to go grocery shopping? hey look there’s some ice cream in the freezer”
“need to write a new cover letter? suddenly my current job doesn’t look too shabby”
“missed phone call from family? from..5 days ago”
“i should take out these three bags of trash. oh, there’s a fourth? didn’t see you hiding back there”
“bills? what bills? rule of thumb: it doesn’t exist if i don’t see it”
“parking ticket? let me add you to the collection”