I am lying awake next to my.boyfriend who is sleeping, me as the big spoon with my arms around him, and I want to wake him up so badly and tell him I love him, that in this time I’ve been awake I’ve thought about all the things that he reminds me of. I want to see his big blue eyes and greet his lips with a poem from my lips, but I don’t. I don’t and it’s so painfully agonizing. I have my arms wrapped around, matching my breathing with his, looking for signs of life from him such as a leg twitch or a body jolt and I laugh, because maybe it’s his way of letting me know he misses me too. or so that’s what I tell myself. but it’s painful because I want him to be awake with me, because no moment is more precious and valuable than with him and in this moment, I think about how I am resisting so hard from kissing his cheek until he wakes up, so that he can rest, so that he can dream. and I gently slip my arms fomo under his and come to write this. to come and write about how I let go of him physically as a way of letting go of my want to connect to him simply because I’m awake and miss him. and I think that’s love- when you understand someone’s needs and wants as yours.
the other night i went on a coffee run for my boyfriend and i at midnight, and it was the first rain of the season, and i began to think about how the roads are dangerous during the first rainfall. and that naturally led me to think my car was wearing ice skates and the ground was the ice. and i’m poor at ice skating and i’m always terrified of falling and so that’s what i was afraid of, my car slipping and veering out of control. but then that fear didn’t last long because i began to think how windshield wipers are a metronome and how rain will always remind me of santa cruz. rain brings me back to the first time i bought rain boots and jumped in a puddle and realized i was invincible. and then i moved on from that thought, and i looked at the ground and saw the way the street lights reflected onto the wet road. there were streaks of red and green with smudges of yellow here and there. it looked like dripping paint. it reminded me of pollock’s work. and i began to think that if rain was the paintbrush, the pavement was the canvas. and that i was part of a watercolor painting. that i was part of a painting. yes, that. that i am part of art.
this is one of the most beautiful things i’ve read in a while and i’m publishing this on my tumblr because i want to be able to go back and read it. i haven’t cried on the outside but i’m completely melted on the inside. this was much needed for me today. i think words like these are much needed for everybody, all the time. i know i’m not just talking for myself, but life gets a little hard you know. and others call this generation the entitled ones, the ones who are known for being petty and being overly but poorly opinionated. but i think there’s so much more to humans than the evolution of the problems we have had to deal with. i think we are the generation we are now because the rise of technology has allowed to explore our inner selves more, to become more reflective, more aware, rather than focusing on external circumstances. we can now reach internally. we can now see ourselves under a magnifying glass. this is sort of a tangent but it’s relevant, i promise. i think we all forget who we are sometimes. and when life gets sort of stressful, and then it gets really stressful, my response is to hold it all in, to drink it away, to sleep it away, to keep myself from anyone that could be exposed to my negative energy. that’s just how i am, and i know that by holding in my negative energy, i am still staying within my negative energy, but that’s the best i know how to cope as of right now. in these moments of stress, i forget myself, i lose sight of the future, and i am extremely uninspired, unmotivated, and somewhat upset with myself. i know these moments aren’t permanent, and i know these moments don’t define me, but they do define how i approach the future. moments like these swallow my heart and leave a space. but then someone like this comes around, unasked, completely by surprise, with words about you, and dedicated to you, that fill that heart with a warm space again.
thank you for these inspiring words, i have taken them deeply to heart :’) and i am sending back all the love from california to you. there is something magical about writing letters to strangers online. i think it’s like the verbal form of heartbeats. and when we recognize each other’s heartbeats, we create a bridge, and an invisible string becomes conscious. and i think that’s beautiful. we are always uncovering secrets. maybe we will always be playing hide and seek with each other. maybe childhood never ends, but is found in metaphors all around us if we look and listen closely. maybe that’s what hide and seek is all about - finding others when they don’t want to be found.
this was much much much needed. i really can’t thank you enough. you deserve the best weekend ever and the best 2014 and the best everything.