homemade pasta and pizza. banana milkshakes. eggs and milk every morning. jamba juice. mcchickens. water-infused drinks. fried rice. grapes. pho. subway. ham and cheese quesadillas. strawberries. orange juice. sushi. beer. my boyfriend’s kisses.
here are my emotions, for all the times i am looking at you with tears streaming down with my face. here are the defensive “i don’t know’s” that come flying out of my mouth like bullets wrapped with undying shame. here are my apologies, the ones i mean with my whole heart, and the ones i don’t because i am full of too much blind aggression. this is for the times when i am closed up, drinking a whole bottle of wine, swearing i’ll never look back. here are my vulnerabilities, my weaknesses. and here you are, unscathed. this is about learning to let love in. this is about how we always move forward. here’s to the gratitude i have for you, to the fact that i would never choose to be vulnerable in front of anyone besides you. i dedicate this to you. to insanity. to love.
i want to grow deep with understanding. i want to always know my feelings, to keep the by my side, to let them guide me, even if astray. i want to live each day with more love.
when i lived in my studio, i used to do adderall and sit on my porch and read anne sexton poetry and smoke cigarettes and watch the sunset and pretend the palm trees were faraway friends. what was my life. a metaphor that no matter how i tried to feel close to anything, everything was inevitably far away