i look back and read these entries about B., and i don’t know who that girl is. i know what those feelings are, i know what point i’m trying to get across, i know who i’m talking about, i know all the moments i’m trying to dearly hold onto, but that girl seems like a lifetime ago. it’s strange, the way time warps our perception. i’m not going to make this scientific because that’s not what this is about, what this is about is that i thought i loved a boy for a year and 7 months but it seemed like a lifetime ago. a lifetime that never happened to me.
B., i’m not sure if this is for you, if this is for me. i’m not sure if this holds any meaning. you did, once upon a time. your meaning will always still alive in the time that it happened, but like most memories, they don’t carry over into the future.
perhaps the most courageous thing i have done for myself is let go of someone who was not meant for me, but i didn’t do this alone. i would have never done it alone, because daniel is the one who has shown me how to come to peace with him, my self, my life. i would have never had the courage to free myself from someone like B., because i subconsciously made him my reality. but then daniel showed me my reality.
i stand corrected, this isn’t for B. and this isn’t for me. this is for my boyfriend, who gave me bravery.
sometimes i like to imagine every place i could’ve lived, every person i could’ve been, every event i could’ve attended, every mood i could’ve been in, and i would still somehow have crossed paths with him. in every life, we are together. in every life.
I inked this while sitting in bed and I dropped my brush pen. On my white sheets.
i now have gel black hair.
straight black hair, red lipstick, cheetah heels, and my arm gently wrapped around my boyfriend’s upper arm.
the perfect friday. the perfect anniversary.