Does the loneliness and sadness just ever catch up to you? Do you ever hear a song and it just all collapses? I heard a new song today, and I already began to cry before I had heard the lyrics. Do you ever get to a point where the loneliness isn’t something you try to escape, rather it’s something you begun to accept? Maybe that’s the difference between being alone and loneliness. I am just so tired. I don’t want to grow up. I want to go back to the world of play. Can I dive into my imagination and never come back to reality? Please? Is that okay? Can I float away and disappear and not come back for a while? I thought about traveling alone to Seattle for Memorial Day and it became such a bittersweet feeling. I thought about the distance between me and my best friend. I thought about the distance between you and me. What if I just don’t want to give a fuck anymore? I spent my days playing dress up and nights drinking beers. I feel strange walking down these stairs to the trash with a bag of beer bottles. I want to write poems but none of these words come out correctly. I want to run away to see where I’d end up. I should sleep and wake up to a whole new morning where I feel better, but I’m enveloped in abstract expressionists.
“I’m gonna get the nt600c”
“does that mean anything to me”
”you speak a language i do not understand, i speak.. the language of love~*~*~*~”
it was your darkness
that pulled me out
of my own.
i think it’s wonderful to know your sense of direction for the time being. i really don’t know what i’ll be doing in 5 years time but it’s nice to know that there isn’t just the present moment and that the future isn’t dim. i’ve spent the past 6 months bouncing between one idea and the next. first it started with attaining a MFA in design at arts institute, and that trickled to whether or not i would go to san francisco or seattle. i then abandoned that idea and thought about a master’s in english while also simultaneously contemplating neuroscience, meaning….medical school (oh god why did i even consider that?) that idea then flourished into neuropsychology, which is something that did resonate with me. but i didn’t want to jump into that and i pondered about what i would do the next few years, and then yesterday i drove by a preschool saying “now hiring early childhood teacher assistant” and decided to look up the requirements to become a teacher in california in general. during the research last night, i decided i’m going to become a preschool teacher! there are only 12 ECE units required, which i find awfully silly, because there are so many classes on early childhood development, that i’d love to take them all. i saw a class titled, “creative art in the young child” um, yes please, sign me up. so here is my new future as of late: working on becoming a teacher!
i told this to my best friend and she said i would be great at it and it was really refreshing to hear because i became nervous, but you know, a lot of the time when i meet strangers they’ll ask me what my job is but then they say, “wait, don’t tell me. you’re a teacher.” and i never know where people get that idea, but maybe it’s just something natural in me. i just want to surround myself with children, with people in general with pure hearts and curious minds. i was telling my best friend how we’re just 21, how we’ve barely lived a fourth of our lives and we’re told to be adults. does this notion baffle you? it absolutely stuns me. people are so driven by money regardless of how it pertains to their happiness, we live in a capitalist country where money equals happiness, and underneath is this subtlety portrayed in all advertisements that you are not happy unless you buy his product and live with this certain kind of lifestyle. but the truth of the matter is that none of that is true. and most certainly, we’re not adults, we never were, we can only put on that image the way we put on a suit, drive ourselves to work in a fancy car, and grab that beer afterwards as we talk about stocks and our habituated stress. i not only want to preserve my youth but i want to live it, i want to be surrounded by it.
and so here comes the next chapter of my life! hello underpaid teacher! who wants to support me?
yesterday my friend and her boyfriend came over and i noticed he took a look around my studio. we were then outside on my porch smoking a cigarette when he said, “are you an artist?” and i laughed and said no, and my friend proudly exclaimed, “she’s a writer!” and i blushed and turned my gaze downward. because i don’t think i am a writer, i merely just splatter words onto a page and call this emotional catharsis as a poor excuse for great writing. but it was nice, what she said, she’s always so nice and never lets me be modest about my artistic side