People who know me always tell me I could be in love so easily. I used to think that if I let my guard down, I could fall in love with anyone. Now that I am not so much scared of love, I’ve realized that that was only half the factor. I still hold such high standards of what I want in a boy, a relationship. Maybe that is part of being afraid? Maybe it isn’t at all.

My friend said something a few years ago and it is still true to this day.

“You could’ve fallen in love a long time ago if you had let yourself.”

A boy used to always tell me, “Give love a chance.”

I’ve started to realize, every time I become incredibly happy as a person, it’s the same time that boys are interested in me.

But really. Junior year of high school I was incredibly happy. And then after I stopped dating my ex, I had realized how many boys liked me. Boys used to call me just to tell me hello. They used to come to my house to pick me up unexpectedly on a Saturday night and take me cruising even when I was dressed in my pajamas. Senior year, I was incredibly happy as well. This boy used to take me to the park to look at the stars. There was another boy who told me he didn’t know what to do with himself because I was graduating and he was still a junior. It was cute, but I didn’t like them in that way. I think I just attract a lot of introverted boys who would give the world to me, and I don’t want that. I don’t want someone to give up anything for me. These two boys who liked me used to plot how to have me hang out with them more, because they were convinced that I didn’t think they were cool enough for me. I wonder if a lot of introverted boys believe that. I hope they don’t. I really hope they don’t. But still. And then there’s those extroverted boys who don’t give you the time of the day. They’re not emotionally there and they don’t intend on being there. I want an absolutely and wholeheartedly extroverted boy who is full of madness.

I’m a little crazy. I actually am. Not so much anymore, but I really am. A lot of people try and be crazy. You can easily distinguish the ones who try to be crazy and the ones who actually are. Like..hitchhiking. Hitchhiking is common in Santa Cruz, but not to the extent that I abuse it. When I tell people how I hitchhike at night by myself, their face drops. I guess I’m not scared about those things. I’ve come a long way from all this craziness in my life. I’m a mellow person now, I’d like to think. It’s just hard to not be so crazy when you had so much happening in your past all at once. I don’t know if I will anyone who will love my craziness, my introversion, my extroversion, my calmness, my whatever-this-is.

I wish I was good at liking boys. I’m only good at being interested in them for a short period of time.

I think I fell for all the wrong boys at the wrong time and now I am incapable of falling for the right boys at the right time. I think I’m too much of a free lancer. I just don’t think I’ll ever meet that boy. You know. That boy that you just look at it and you just want to spend the rest of your life discovering them, knowing that you never will.

Too many of us are tangled in this idea that we need this sort of romantic love in order to achieve something of ourselves, in order to have purpose. You give yourself purpose. I have a wild heart. My heart is too precious to be anywhere but in the hands of someone perfect. And my intuition will let me know when I meet that person.

:)