Everyone enjoys alone time. I love to run errands alone. I hate when I’m listening to music and then I bump into someone on campus, and my song is interrupted and I am forced to make small talk. I like to sit in bookshops alone. I like to drink tea by myself. I like to eat at McDonald’s alone. It just saves the nuance of dragging someone along with me throughout my mundane day. It saves me the socializing and attending to others. I just wanted to attend to myself, only. I loved helping others. I loved giving favors. But I didn’t need any help. I just liked to do anything and everything according to my time. People tend to slow me down. I hated when I didn’t shop by myself because girls take so long to shop. I like when it’s just me. Just me, myself, and I.

My mom once said, “You’ve always been my independent little girl, never asking for help.”

I will always remember the look in your eyes when you told me this. And I used to think I had grown independent out of circumstances, out of insecurity of being close to someone, but I had realized that those two factors only added to it. I was always that little independent girl. I remember one time when I was six and I had accidentally stapled my hand with two staples and I ended up pulling them out myself as I cried in my room. I remember one time I was sick, terribly sick, and I didn’t tell anyone. And you found out because I had ended up puking in the middle of the mall. Things had never changed as I grew older. I remember one time my mom and I had gotten into a fight, and she said she wouldn’t drive me to school. And so I just walked. Dad always said I could go to him for help with science and math, but I never did. My third year was the first year I moved in to a new place without the help of my uncle. I remember the people who were subletting, and they offered to help me carry my stuff to my room upstairs. I said it was fine, and I ended up carrying suitcases’ worth up the flight of stairs. And he would say, “Are you sure you don’t need any help?” And I said it was fine.

Because I used to be a perfectionist when it came to how independent I was. I thrived off of my independence.

I didn’t want to be alone, but I didn’t want to trade in my independence for anything that wasn’t guaranteed. Because..well…what was there besides independence? Dependence? And oh god, I definitely didn’t want to be that. I didn’t want to depend on anyone. I was doing just fine depending on myself. I didn’t want to lose the one thing that had me standing. But I loved seeing people who were two parts of a whole. A friend laughing with her best friend until her stomach hurt, a girl endlessly falling in love with the boy she’s holding hands with. I remember seeing pairs like these. I would imagine how nice it would be to have that sense of…forever. That sense that someone loves you so much that they could never picture the world without you. And every time I saw these people, I would think to myself. I would think how lovely it would be to let my guard down and let someone be a part of me. And every time I did see these people, it reassured the fact that I did, that I did just want to be loved. But who could love me? I couldn’t actually imagine love being in my life, because I didn’t, and still don’t, know what forever was entitled to. It sounded great in my head until it came knocking on my door. I found ways to love people but still separate myself from them. Because it was just me. My life was just, me. There was no room for anyone else to be my side.

Because the problem was not that someone would find it hard to stay with someone as kooky as me. The problem was that it was hard for me to stay, to even stay put for a millisecond. And all I wanted was to meet someone who would help me question my independence.

And I did.

I met somebody. I met someone extraordinary. Someone more independent than me, if that is even possible.

Because my independence started to break piece by piece, so beautifully. The neurotic, prideful independence had shed off its layers and revealed an inner layer of peaceful independence.

I remember I was packing my car after etd.love. Kelsey came down with her items and I was going to go back upstairs to Jenny’s house to get the rest. And there he is. He was holding my stuff, helping me pack my car. And I remember being so irritated but there was nothing I could do at that point.

And even though I still have trouble, I ask for favors now. Even if it’s just a few. Even if I can probably count all of them on one hand. Because the point is that I ask for help. I ask people to do things with me so that I’m not alone. And it’s all funky but I’m adjusting to it.

And I’ve learned that I can still also remain very independent. It’s not so bad to ask for a lending hand, after all :)

“You’ll be the first to know about my six-pack!”

I didn’t even have enough time to react. I was so caught off-guard, because, well, why would you let me know? You have no reason to, let alone me being the first person to know. I remember feeling so… honored, but I was sure that you were just saying that as a nice gesture because I had paid for your tofu. But, I’d like to hope, that you would let me know…because you would be making the choice to tell me. You’d be the one letting me into your life just by a simple act, instead of me constantly trying to plan my life with yours, because I’m just in your life for convenience-sake. And it’s fine. You’re a gypsy :) And even if you don’t end up telling me, then, well, that doesn’t matter either. :) All that matters is that your six-pack stays, right? All I can ever hope is that after your six months of hard dieting, you might let me know when you will have your cheat days, and I will be right there eating unhealthy food with you.

Heh :)

Stay wonderful. You wonderful human being, you. And don’t be so mean to your stomach! Either give it a layer of fat protection or don’t! You’re playing games with its heart! And reward your stomach too! :)

I never understand the need to seek revenge, to flirt with others because you’re mad, to purposefully try and hurt the person who hurt you.

I’ve been a hurt teenager before, but.

But, my golden rule is: You never, never, have an excuse to hurt anyone.

I don’t care if you’re trying to teach someone a lesson. I don’t care if you’re trying to give someone a taste of their own medicine. I don’t care if what you are doing is trying to break the person down. You don’t have an excuse to be an asshole. And this has been my golden rule ever since I can remember.

Don’t fuck around with people’s hearts just because they did with yours. It doesn’t fucking matter. You can’t justify the means to an end. Live with integrity and dignity. Be a good-hearted person despite whatever happens to you. That resentment you have, the grudge you’re holding, it only fuels your own fire, not theirs. Don’t turn your hurt into a consequence for someone else. Don’t convert your hurt into a torture mechanism for somebody else. Why does it feel good to poison the one person who poisoned you? What kind of achievement is that? Just leave it alone. Or let time do its job. Or communicate. Don’t waste time conjuring up ways to even the score. There is no game. You just create it as a result of your pain.

Be genuine. It’s much easier that way.

“Does she know how hard it is for you?”
“Probably. I mean it’s not hard for me because I adjust and adapt easily. She just needs a lot of time, regardless of whether we find a way to fully be in each other’s lives again.”
“But no matter how good you are at adapting, it’s still a lot. I wouldn’t have handled it better, I probably would have gone a little crazy on her if I were you.”
“Yeah but I can’t expect her to ‘be’ anything in my life, you know? It would be insincere. It’s just how I am, I’m very patient! All I can do is wait for people, I can’t force anything upon him, and acting out is selfish of me.”
“I know you can’t expect it but it’s hard for me to see it another way because the image I have for you two is the one from Tritonal at Ruby Skye.”
“That’s interesting that you mention Tritonal because everything started to change a week after that. There’s nothing I can do, you know? It’s funny because my other friend made the same parallel about asking if Bryan knew how hard it is for me and how I’m patient and understanding of everyone and giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. I’m just not very good at putting my emotions before others.”

The other day another friend from high school asked me how I am able to go 7 weeks without seeing Bryan, and I said you just adapt. It doesn’t mean you appreciate the person less or you don’t like them anymore, you just learn the difference between a connection versus an attachment.

But people keep mentioning it from the other point of view.

I’m just scared to miss people. And I’m tired of always missing people, because they are always doing so fine without me. So I am fine without them too, not out of defense, but just learning the other side of it.

It’s a way of adapting. And I hate expecting things out of others because then it’s what I want, it’s not what they want. Having and not having expectations are two sides of the same coin, except when you don’t have expectations of others, you are always happy for them even if it isn’t what you want. And you are genuinely happy for them because their emotions are just as, if not more, important than your own.

It’s a way of protecting others without protecting yourself. I believe that as long as the other person is happy in their lives, then it masks the fact that I could be sad about the situation.

Because people never miss me back.

And in high school, I spent years’ worth of missing people only for it to never be returned. So I just don’t want to feel like that way anymore.

I hate when my friends bring this into topic, because then I am just sad. :(

FUCK, I hate when people evoke sadness out of me. Because I am a happy person!! sdlkdlskf wah. My perspective will change soon :)

Would we be forever?

I don’t know. You don’t know. No one knows.

But the only way is to find out. Yeah? I’ll give you all the time you need for you to take your own leap of faith if you ever choose to do so :) And in the end, if we were to stay friends. I would still be okay.

It’s like what my friend said. “It wouldn’t be okay, but I would be okay.”

But, I DONT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN BECAUSE I WANT TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND I PROMISE I WONT BUG YOU WHEN YOU WANT YOUR ALONE TIME AND I WILL ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOU ONLY WHEN YOU LET ME AND I WILL TUCK YOU INTO BED AND GREET YOU WITH SCRAMBLED EGGS IN THE MORNING.

(Just kidding, he doesn’t eat scrambled eggs)

tarzan and jane by aqua just came on shuffle. and i thought of the time you guys blasted this as you drove up to my road and started yelling my name and then i walked downstairs to find both of you jamming and i started dancing in the middle of the road and all of my neighbors were wondering what the fuck was wrong with me.

THROWBACK TO 2007. I MISS THIS. bahaha take me back.

Last night I relived a collection of memories centralizing around a theme in one of my dreams.

It was all those times. The tragedy of it all. It was the depression of it all. Everything would be fine but then I’d suddenly shut down. Right? You know exactly what I’m talking about, all those fragile moments. The way you would look at me and just yell at me to tell me to stop acting the way I was acting. The way you forced answers out of me instead of just giving me time. The way you were mad at the mere fact that I was feeling too much and.. I was both strong and weak enough to show it in front of you of all people that I knew. You were sick of all of it. You were so impatient about.. all of me. You hated the fact that I would metaphorically talk about the sorrow of the world instead of my own. You didn’t understand the fact that I could just….be sad, that there was no source, that it’s always existed and I was just brave enough to let down my guard in front of you in hopes of some understanding. But I never gave you a reason. And you never understood it was because there were so many that I wouldn’t know where to begin.

And then you let me go.

You let me go every single time.

I just wanted to be understood by you. I just wanted someone to stay. I just wanted you to understand all of me even if I didn’t have the words to match up with the tears to explain the agony I had been feeling. You live a series of people shutting down the very aspect of you that makes you feel the world in such a raw way that you forget how to open up to others.

But then.

Then I think of him. I think of the way I feel around him when I’m with him. I know my thoughts, feelings, and actions are safely harbored in his own heart.

I think of the first time I cried in front of him. And we just sat there. In silence. And he let me…be. He took care of me. He takes care of me. Every single time.

I love the parallel. Because I have never asked or wanted his understanding, but he understands me nonetheless, so effortlessly and freely.

It is an extraordinary feeling to meet someone who just lets you be without question. There are never tests. There is never anxiety. There are never expectations. It just is.

“Does Bryan realize you’ve never had it easy with anyone?”
“What do you mean?”
“Just all of the guys in your life and all the friends from high school…all you’ve ever wanted was someone to actually fight for you and love you back.”
“I can’t ask him to fight for me..or ask anything of him.”
“That’s always been such an admirable trait in you.”
“:D well you live and you learn right? I think it’s just because I overtly fight and love more than most people so I don’t give up on people ever and I just exert a lot of effort into building and maintaining friendships with those that I feel really connect with me so it just seems that people aren’t fighting for me but it’s really fine!!”
“No really. You just keep getting up every time someone discourages you. You always give everyone the time of the day and no one ever gives you the time of the day. You always listen to me rant and you always give me advice. You were always there for me and I just took it as you thought you were right about everything..and you were and I just didn’t want to see it. I thought you were just trying to prove a point but you really were just trying to help me. Everyone always told you to just stop being depressed but if any of us were just sad for a moment you would help us even when we treated you like shit. I don’t know how to give back to all those times I was bitchy to you and you always forgave me and I found it so weird that you just would.. because I didn’t deserve your forgiveness.” 

I haven’t cried like this in a while. I don’t know how to ask to be loved because I really just love loving others and being there for them. But she’s right. She is so right that I can’t even deny it. And she brings out the once young teenager girl in me who has always just wanted to be loved. She’s right about all of it and all that she hasn’t said. All I ever wanted was people to apologize to me for blaming me for things that I never did, but rather the images they created of me in their minds to prevent looking within themselves at their own flaws. She’s right. She’s right about how I’m always there for people, about how..somehow all my real friends tend to fuck me over but I forgive them on the spot. I always forgive them. She’s right..about all the times I fought for love only to be returned with nothing. I don’t remember the last time I felt this way…the sorrow of just wanting to be loved of my once high school self. 

There came a time when I grew accustomed to being left behind, to being a second priority when I regarded everyone’s needs and emotions as my own. I can’t ask people to want to listen to me. Most people aren’t good listeners. Most people don’t want to listen. They want you to listen to them. 

A friend that I haven’t seen since October apologized to me the other day. She said, “I’m so sorry for every doubting you or making assumptions about you. You  have always been a wonderful person to me, you didn’t deserve that.”

I think I feel lonely for the first time in I don’t know how long. But it’s hard for people to see the loneliness when you are constantly socializing, surrounded by so many people with heart and life that it seems as though you have it all. But you just want one person.

Because…yes.

I do just want him to like me back. I do want to feel loved. I do want to feel like I actually belong. But I can’t expect him to like me. I don’t know if he does. I don’t know if he ever will. But he is the one person who fills the space in my heart, and I just want him to like me. I really, really do.

And if he never likes me?

I would still be content with that. I can’t be mad at him because he doesn’t like me.

Another friend told me, his Greek big sis actually, told me that she wants him to like me back too. Because it’d be good for him, because I’d be good for him. But then she told me..she told me because it would be the best way to give back. That for him to like me, it’d be like the world is essentially giving back to me for everything that I’ve ever given. And yes. It’s so true and sometimes it’s aching the difficulty of it all, but I continue. He’d be the one person who would give back to me more so than everyone could, because the simple fact that he is giving back to me would be worth a lifetime’s people of giving.

All I have ever, ever, ever wanted was a best friend and a lover. And I’ve…I’ve always done everything on my own. I have always conquered every battle by myself. I have never learned to confide in others until the battles were all over. And I…I just don’t want to be alone anymore.

“It’s like you’re afraid to be hurt because you think it’s wrong of you to make someone else go through the hurt with you.. you’re afraid to ask for what you want.”
“I just don’t want to come off as selfish and I really just…can’t ask people to treat me the way I treat them.”
“But you give so much of yourself all the time and never expect anything in return. Don’t you think at one point you have to say something about what you want? You’re so good at throwing people off because you call them out but you never relate it back to you. They become better people and don’t need you anymore.”
“Actually for the first time ever I did with Bryan! But he would get really defensive and all the interactions were jagged and I stopped and started being passive because that’s what he wanted.”
“When have you ever been passive? Since when did you start to let people win?”

I have never been passive…I don’t let people win….I never stop calling people out on their bullshit.

Why…why did I stop?

Fml. Time to reevaluate everything.

Sometimes I wish my talent was something concrete. Like, being an artist or a photographer. Or excelling at a sport. Something..tangible.

But I like my talent. I like my insight in people. I’m meant to work with people.

It’s my what my friend said, “more people need a Lucie Zhang in their life to hit em with some knowledge and insight, you can do so much with such little effort.”

It’s like that infamous quote, “Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

So watchu got world?